Take Your Pick Fly Swatter or Cannon?
Growing up as the youngest in the family with two older brothers I thought that my parent’s parenting tactics were unfair and I would always think I am definitely not going to treat or do these things to my children in the future. I often thought that , but as I was thinking about parenting this week for this class my mind drew a blank. I couldn’t think of better solutions or any ways of parenting better, but after a week I was able to learn more and understand about parenting and several tactics that will be beneficial while raising my future family. With that being said I also was able to realize how wrong I was about my parents techniques and that they were trying their best to raise a crazy child like me 😂. They deserve more recognition because parenting isn’t easy!
What exactly is the purpose of parenting? Micheal Popkins described it as, “ to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world in which they are.” In the family proclamation it states that man and woman work together in unison. When parents are unified as one team when tackling the struggles of parenting they will be able to find success easier.
Everybody has a limiting set of needs, if we really understand the needs of the children we will be able to anticipate best how to help them. Not only did Micheal Popkins describe his thoughts on the purpose of parenting, but he also came up with 6 needs that are essential to children when parenting. If we understand the needs of the children they are less likely to act out.
CONTACT- The need and desire to belong happens when people make physical and emotional contact with other humans. Contact and belonging can range from sports, a hug, or eye contact. If a child acts or seeks attention it can be because of the lack of contact from parents. Parents can respond by offering contact freely.
TEACH TO CONTRIBUTE- When we involve others they feel like they belong. That is why we should teach our kids to contribute and help out. When kids get older they don’t have a desire to help out anymore, but it is important they do because they can gain responsibility, trust, and build closer relationships.
Helping should never be a punishment because it doesn’t create a positive relationship with work.
POWER- We want things to go our way and we want the power to make that happen. Power is the ability to influence your own life. Just like spiderman, “with great power comes great responsibility.” When we have too much power it can lead to rebellion and controlling others. We have the power to make choices and that also comes with consequences. Sometimes parents have a hard time letting kids face those consequences.
PROTECTION- This is the protection from physical and psychological harm. No matter who you are you will get hurt, so it’s important that you or your kids don’t turn to the negative approach of revenge. This is hard to teach if the parents themselves don’t do these things well.
Assertiveness- Teach by example
Forgiveness- Be open
WITHDRAWAL- A withdrawal is essential when you need to take a break and come back. Sometimes children need a time-out where they will be able to withdraw, regroup and center. This shouldn’t be mistaken as an escape.
CHALLENGE- Need to take good risks and do things that are hard. Kids love to master challenges and find much joy when they succeed. Encourage them to learn a new skill, and support them during it. When skill building kids are less likely to get into bad risk taking.
It is no secret there will be conflict when parenting, but the way that you handle it has great effects on the children. Micheal Popkins also created a problem handling model.
WHO OWNS THE PROBLEM
CHILD OWNS IT: Allow natural consequences to do the teaching.
Unless 1. It’s too dangerous 2. The consequences are too far in the future or 3. Others are harmed. Parents also need to provide support and communicate with them.
PARENT OWNS IT: Parents ultimately need to treat their children with respect and they can do that by using several different techniques.
1. Politely Request- often a polite request is enough for a child to change their actions, but if that doesn’t you will use the next method
2. “I Feel” Statements- This next step is more assertive and needs to be delivered in a firm and calm voice. There are four things that you need to get across to the children.
When you did __?__________
I feel _insert emotion_______
Because_insert thought_____
I Would Like_insert request__
3. Stronger Statement- Sometimes won’t be compliant with the polite request and “I feel” statement and need a more concrete consequence. Don’t make a strong statement every time because then everything will turn into conflict and they will think they are always wrong because that is how you choose to handle it.
4. Logical Consequences: Kids need a concrete consequence to understand their actions. Here are guidelines to using logical consequences.
Give the child a choice.
Either/or choice
When/then choice
Ask the child to help.
Make sure the consequence is logical.
Give choices you can live with.
Keep your tone firm and calm.
Give the choice one time, then act.
Expect testing.
Allow the child to try again later.
There are many methods to parenting, but I hope this will be helpful to any parent who is new or old. To end this just remember when parenting don't use a cannon when a fly swatter could solve the problem or it might lead to a lot of damage.
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